We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
