I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
