Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize