I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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