if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
