Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
