I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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