Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
