Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
