Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
