Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
