morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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