I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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