I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
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Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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