I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
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