just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
