I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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