I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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