You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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