I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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