just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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