Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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