i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
