Cold hands, warm shart.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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