Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
