Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
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Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
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It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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