after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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