so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
