You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
