He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
