You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
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Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize