I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
