On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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