Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
