Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
