And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
