My friends, they love my intelligence
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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