Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Your shirt... Was in my pants
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
