nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
