im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
