there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
