i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
