i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
