Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
