Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
