So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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