What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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