please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
