just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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