lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
