She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
