apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
