I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
