dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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