Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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